hOnest aPe » revolutionary war http://honestape.net mediocrity on parade Thu, 18 Feb 2010 02:36:22 +0000 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.9.2 en hourly 1 Why I wish we lost the war and why I’m glad we didn’t http://honestape.net/why-i-wish-we-lost-the-war-and-why-im-glad-we-didnt http://honestape.net/why-i-wish-we-lost-the-war-and-why-im-glad-we-didnt#comments Fri, 04 Jul 2008 14:25:12 +0000 Ape http://honestape.net/?p=415 America, FUCK YEAH!
The Fourth of July. Independence Day. A day to light things on fire. A day that we don’t have to go to work. A day for barbecues. A day to remember a bunch of wig-wearing white men declaring our independence from England. Which is a good thing, right? Right?

Did we come out ahead? Let’s not focus on the fact that we traded one Mad King George for another. It that respect we came out about even. That’s something for another day. Today I want to talk about the reasons I’m glad we declared our independence. And the reasons I’m not. So, without further ado, here’s a couple lists.

Top Five Reasons I’m Glad I’m Not English

5. English people have horrid teeth. Americans have great teeth. Unless they live below the Mason-Dixon line. Then it’s a crap-shoot.
4. Queens should either be a borough in New York or fabulous gay men.1 Not royalty. Having royalty in this day and age is like having a cock on your back.
3. Speaking of royalty, what’s up with making actors and singers Knights? Knights are supposed to be ass-kickers like Lancelot and Galahad, not people like Elton John and Roger Moore.2
2. Cricket?? Seriously? What, Croquet wasn’t stupid enough?
1. Their lawyers (barristers) and judges WEAR WIGS IN COURT. WIGS. Not just wigs. Powdered, white wigs. How could you seriously be expected to sit in court and await your judgment without laughing? I mean, our legal system is a joke, but not that kind of joke.

Top Five Reasons I Wish I Were English

5. Their sense of humor is better. Yeah, I said it. They get satire and sarcasm and dry wit. We think things like Larry the Cable Guy and According to Jim are funny.3
4. They don’t panic and shit their collective pants whenever someone curses or shows a nipple on tv.
3. Parliament gets to address their concerns with the Prime Minister in a weekly forum. Can you imagine if Congress got to do the same with the President?4
2. The UK is on the Metric System. As is every country in the world except the US, Liberia and Burma/Myanmar. America refused to convert, even when pushed by the government to do so in the 70s. Why? Because we’re Americans and we do things our way! Uh, not so much. Pounds, Feet, Yards, all the rest? Didn’t get made up here. They came from England. And THEY gave them up.
1. Page Three Girls. Enough said.

Footnotes
1 In America, we’re so cool we have a Prince who’s also a Queen. That’s what we call a twofer.
2 Alec Guiness is a gray area. He was Obi-Wan, after all.
3 They’re not.
4 We could call it the “Weekly Fuck You Mr. President” session.

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