Honest Ape

There’s this girl, Heather, who I absolutely love. Even though she’s been known to wear cowboy hats and listen to country music.* She writes this blog, The Wishful Writer, which is 10 liters of Cola in a 1 liter cup. Enough with the background story. She challenged me to tell my readers seven things they didn’t know about me (which she did here). So, here goes.

1. Though you wouldn’t know by looking at me, I am over 13 feet tall. As you can imagine, being this tall would make it extremely difficult to walk through doors. Which is why I keep most of my height (6 feet or so) in an extra-dimensional pocket. This not only makes walking through doors easier, it keeps birds from roosting in my beard. Most birds, anyway.

2. I pee sitting down. I don’t know why, it just makes more sense to me to do it that way. Unfortunately, I usually do so when I’m sitting on the couch.

3. I am physically unable to lie. I tried to lie once, and found my body overtaken by painful convulsions. Just thinking about lying makes me physically ill.

4. I first met my wife, Paloo, in a dumpster. I don’t know the odds of two babies being abandoned in the same dumpster at the same time, but they’ve got to be pretty damn high. After we became wards of the state, I didn’t see her again until many years later, when we bumped into each other at a NAMBLA rally. It was love at first sight.

5. I can telepathically communicate with cats. For those of you who can’t do so, don’t be jealous. I’ve never heard one of them say a damn thing worth listening to.

6. I once ate 3 pounds of cheese in one sitting. It was a delightful Camonbert. While it was one of the greatest meals I ever had, I can’t help but think of all the people at that French restaurant that I killed to get it.

7. I have never met a Shriner I didn’t like.

*Both of which I usually consider unforgivable character flaws.