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Open letter to the fuckwits down the street

written on May 6th by Ape
tagged: , ,
22 happy comments →

Dearest Fuckwits,
For months now, every few weeks, you fill our garbage can with your shit. Sometimes, so full we can’t put our own garbage in it. Are you not aware that we pay for our garbage pick-up? Oh, that can’t possibly be true. Everyone on our street has to pay for it. You can’t think that we’re the only exception. That we have some free, magical trash can? Well, we don’t. And though I’ve tried and tried to figure out who you are, I’ve been unable to do so.

You can not have missed the notes I’ve left. The ones that ask you politely not to use our garbage can. They were extremely obvious and hard to miss. Is it that you can’t read? I don’t think that’s likely.

But here’s the thing. You fucked up this time. You dumb cunts. You left a magazine on the top of the trash. A magazine with your address on it. So, not only are you supremely inconsiderate, you’re more stupid than Britney Spears’ twat-lice. And now I know who you are. And here’s the deal. If you ignore my notes and dump your trash in my bin again, I’m coming to your house, punching you in the throats and shitting on your dining-room table. And then I’m burning your house down.

Sincerely,
The guy’s who’s going to burn your house down

Comments

22 Responses to “Open letter to the fuckwits down the street”

  1. Dave Gray (May 6th, 2008 8:08 am)

    Now that is funny

    Not the fact they are dumping on you… :)

  2. Rob D (May 6th, 2008 8:09 am)

    Wow Ape, tell us how you really feel. The funny part is that I think you are holding back some.

  3. linc (May 6th, 2008 8:10 am)

    Thanks, man. I use my humor as an outlet for my anger, to stop me from actually beating these people to death.

  4. linc (May 6th, 2008 8:13 am)

    heh. A little. C’mon. It’s fucking bullshit. I pay for that shit, and several weeks we’ve had to hold on to bags of trash for a week since our bin was full. And I’ve left a lot of notes on top of our bin asking, very politely, them not to do it.

  5. Matt (May 7th, 2008 3:47 am)

    S**t on their doorstep man, fight fire with…um…..fire?

  6. wen (May 7th, 2008 5:33 am)

    I totally agree with Matt :)

  7. Sam (May 7th, 2008 10:16 am)

    Fucking brilliant :)

    Do a follow up once the place is a blaze!

  8. Anto (May 7th, 2008 8:01 pm)

    YOU CAN DO IT! CUT THEIR FUCKING BALLS OFF!

    Seriously man, as much as that story made me laugh, it’s time to get your own back. The punishment? Order some beastiality porn and get it sent to their house. They’ll be the perverted talk of the area, once you mention that you view this said porn being delivered to their house.

  9. linc (May 7th, 2008 8:58 pm)

    You know it!

  10. linc (May 7th, 2008 8:59 pm)

    I like the way you think, Anto.

  11. Sam (May 8th, 2008 2:38 am)

    Why stop at porn? Why not go all the way and order strippers and hooker courtesy of your lovely neighbors ;) Haha

  12. linc (May 8th, 2008 6:56 am)

    Uh, if I’m ordering strippers and hookers, it will be for my wife and I, not our shitty neighbors. Unless they’re tranny hookers. Those I’ll send to their house.

  13. calinazaret (May 10th, 2008 6:45 pm)

    You could do it Futurama style and order five million pizzas to be delivered to them.

    Seriously, I would write a letter letting them know that if they don’t stop their behavior you’ll be taking them to small claims court for theft of trash services.

    Some guy owed me $200 once, and he was a real jerk about it so I threatened to take him to court. I went to a government-run website for Californians where you answer questions about the situation and it’ll give you a scary-looking legal document you can print out and give to people demanding payment. They do it because the scary document prevents a LOT of cases from going to court.

    If you don’t want to do that, you can always stick with the flaming shit. But I think the worst thing you can do to someone in this country is sue.

  14. Hot Nikks (May 12th, 2008 8:37 am)

    calinazaret has a point about scary documents. We had a shitty tenant who moved out and subleased the rental to some stupid chick without our permission who apparently didn’t know about things like paying the rent within weeks of the due date. I think she found the eviction notice we put on her door to be educational because we didn’t have that problem again while that lousy mooch plagued our property. Like calinazaret, I did online research to make sure we were in the right and got the documents we needed to scare her.

  15. linc (May 12th, 2008 8:56 am)

    Are you back from your honeymoon? Send me pictures from the wedding, yo!

  16. heather (May 12th, 2008 2:55 pm)

    now, now…

    I sense you are mildly perturbed at your neighbors and are allowing it to affect your white light and zen mojo.

    Consider this an opportunity to learn, grow and give what your neighbors are not capable of – respect and consideration.

    And if that doesn’t work, fuck ‘em. They deserve it.

    ps. I’ve missed you too :)

  17. linc (May 12th, 2008 3:10 pm)

    White Light? Zen Mojo? You really don’t know me like you think you know me. I’m made up of piss, vinegar, anger and irritation.

    But maybe I should work on being more Zen. Or more mojo. One of the two.

  18. wen (May 13th, 2008 3:32 am)

    Oh ape, the comments you are receiving are just fantastic. They are truly enlightening and educational :) I am learning a lot actually :) Now I know how to handle annoying neighbours. I loved the bestiality porn bit LOL

  19. heather (May 14th, 2008 5:14 pm)

    and surely you know i fucking hate white light. and neighbors.

  20. Hot Nikks (May 16th, 2008 7:29 am)

    Is Fuckwitz a Polish name?

  21. linc (May 16th, 2008 7:37 am)

    Indeed. Their names are John and Patty Fukwitz. Of the New England Fuckwitz’s.

  22. Kelley (July 13th, 2008 1:37 am)

    Came for the iGun, stayed for the shitting on the arsehats dining table…

    I think I just fell in love with you.

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