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Hard Rock Zombies: Both the greatest and the worst movie you will ever see

Recently, I had a life-changing experience. One of those moments after which nothing seems the same. Like the moment in 6th Sense where Bruce Willis realizes that he’s dead. Or when your first child is born. One of those experiences.

What, you ask, was this amazing experience? It was a little movie called “Hard Rock Zombies.” A movie that defies logic by being both the best and the worst movie I have ever seen. Like a kick in the nuts from Brad Pitt while you’re motor-boating Angelina Jolie. Sure, your junk hurts, but YOU WERE MOTOR-BOATING ANGELINA JOLIE! It’s that same mixture of pleasure and pain. A mix that you won’t understand unless you watch “Hard Rock Zombies.” Or, if you are somehow lucky enough to be a part of the Angelina Jolie / Brad Pitt scenario.

The movie starts off as just another bad 80’s horror movie. But you start to see glimmers of the greatness to come almost immediately, just about the time you see a dwarf, wearing the worst mask in movie history, watching a young girl slaughter some young men in the lake. Shortly thereafter, the movie really shows you who’s boss, with the introduction of the “Hard Rock” band referred to in the title. And by hard rock, they clearly mean the members of Air Supply singing the songs of Michael Bolton as covered by Bon Jovi. In other words, the only hard rock in this movie is an actual rock.

The band starts off in a club full of adoring fans. When I say full, I mean a crowd of four women. But four wildly ecstatic women. Women who are clearly listening to another band on walk-mans. Sure, you can’t see the head-phones, but no other scenario would make sense.

Soon enough, the band is headed to a sleepy little town called Grand Guignol, to perform a concert. Why a concert in a town of 50 people, only seven of whom are young enough to come to their show? Who knows. I sure as hell couldn’t figure it out. As soon as they enter the town, the movie goes from already classic to near-perfect. The men, for some reason, begin to act like they are in a music video. A music video with skateboarding and high-fives and supposedly hilarious antics. But there’s no video. There’s no reason for it. Again, the hard rock tag becomes questionable, as the men act like some kids from West Side Story at first, before becoming something close to The Monkees.

Of course, the townsfolk can’t have this. No way are they going to let these hard rocking hooligans ruin their town with their loose morals and suggestive music. So they put the band on ice. Luckily, the woman from the first scene bails them out, taking the band to stay at her house. Which is where things get really weird. Yeah, they weren’t remotely weird before, not in comparison.

I can’t bring myself to go on further. I can’t ruin it for you. I just can’t. But, while I can’t go more into the plot, I can give you some tantalizing tidbits. Some nuggets to make you want to see this movie even more.

Here’s the type of stuff you can look forward to seeing in Hard Rock Zombies:
Senior Citizen Exhibitionist Sex!
Werewolf Grandmother!
Secret Nazis!
Music-Activated Zombie Tarantulas!
Celebrity Cardboard Cut-outs Vs. Zombies!
Dancing Zombies!
Singing Zombies!

If that’s not enough, dear god in heaven, what more do you need? Seriously, people, are you listening to me? Stop what you’re doing, which I’m pretty sure is reading this article, and get your ass in gear. Get that movie on Netflix. Or via Amazon. Or, if you’re lucky, at the video store. Shit, I don’t care, steal it if you have to. Just see the fucker, alright? Enough said.