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Going straight for the green beans

written on March 9th by Ape
tagged: , ,
10 happy comments →

I’ve been watching Def Comedy Jam a lot lately, and I’m noting an acute lack of white comedians. You know what that means? Opportunity. An opportunity for a white comedian to step in and fill that gap. And that comedian should be me. So, after analyzing episode after episode of The Jam, I think I know exactly what the audiences are looking for, and have developed a comedy routine that should really knock their socks off. So, without further ado, I’d like to present you with an excerpt of said routine. Comments are welcome.

“You know, I kid, but there are a lot of differences between white folks and black folks. You know what I’m talking about. The things we all know, but no one talks about. Well, I’m here to talk about them.

You ever seen a white person in a grocery store? Where’s the first place they go? Right, they go straight for the green beans. The green beans? What? Not a black person, hell no. A black person goes into a grocery store and you know where they’re going first; The DAAAIRY SECTION! Right? See, this brother knows what I’m talking about. Brothers and their half and half.

Or check out a white person in a Best Buy. Try to get in-between them and the headphone section. Just try. It’s like trying to get between a dog and a hamster. But a black person walking into Best Buy? Man, you know right where they’re going – The external HAAARD DRIVES. Yeah, that’s right. The fucking back-up devices, man. What is it with black folks and their portable storage?

But really, you know, we’re all the same. We might do things differently, but at the end of the day, we’re the same. Black or White, we gotta be having our pudding, right? Ain’t no one doesn’t like a good bowl of pudding. And we all like cruise control.”

So, there’s a good chunk of it. What do you think? Too controversial? Not controversial enough? Let me know. I gotta get it perfected before I send my demo tape to the producers.

Comments

10 Responses to “Going straight for the green beans”

  1. Ghost|BOFH (March 9th, 2008 8:17 pm)

    You could have at least TRIED.

    I want my 2 minutes back. I read it two times in hopes it would be funny the second time around.

  2. linc (March 9th, 2008 8:39 pm)

    Sorry I wasted your time, Ghost.

  3. Paloo (March 9th, 2008 11:15 pm)

    You want the two minutes back that you spent reading a post you didn’t like, so then you take another minute or two of your precious and oh so valuable time leaving a comment?
    Good job, guy. You’re a smart one.

  4. Kelsey (March 10th, 2008 7:29 am)

    I think the bit is PERFECT! Though I think you need a bit about sex in there somewhere. Maybe in the longer version, you know, like how black women have sex differently than white women and that kind of stuff.

  5. Hot Nikks (March 10th, 2008 7:34 am)

    Yeah man, you know it’s not possible to really get time back, right? Wasting your life spreading vitriol over the internet is not the key travel I promise you.

    I liked it and I clearly don’t watch as much DCJ as Mr. Linc, but I didn’t think the brothers dug the random ironic comedy.

  6. linc (March 10th, 2008 7:46 am)

    @Paloo
    <3
    @kelsey
    Thanks, man. I’ll work on my routine and expand it to include sex.
    @Hot Nikks
    Oh, you have so much to learn about brothers and their appreciation of satire.

  7. Kelvin (March 10th, 2008 6:56 pm)

    Having watched my WMS* of DCJ, you’ve clearly cleaned it up for TV. That’s probably why it was so short.

    *White Man’s Share

  8. linc (March 10th, 2008 9:35 pm)

    @Kelvin
    Fuck Yeah! I fucking cleaned the shit out of it.

  9. cory (April 11th, 2008 11:05 pm)

    i LOVE your absurdist wit in this post, j! awesome! absurdity is the key to existence…

    and GHOST’s mother’s vagina is where satan was born…

  10. cory (April 11th, 2008 11:13 pm)

    oh yeah, and GHOST has really SMALL genitals… poor thing…

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