Honest Ape

When Milk Attacks!

link — Sat, 27 Dec 2008 17:48:42 +0000

For your viewing pleasure, I now provide you with the videos that have been making me laugh lately. Some you will have seen. Some may be new to you.

Either way, put down the milk before you watch them. I will not be responsible for nasodairyal expulsion.

When Lizards Attack!

When Bugs Attack!

When Bugs Attack II!

When Grapes Attack!

When Last Names Attack!

When Frosting Guns Attack!

How to break up with a woman, by Danny McBride

link — Wed, 24 Dec 2008 23:46:19 +0000

Itchy Balls vs. The Police

link — Thu, 27 Nov 2008 00:02:50 +0000

This is why you don’t drink and drive. It’s also why you don’t nail a hooker without a condom on. In fact, there are many lessons that can be learned by watching this little video. Enjoy.

There goes the mystery…

link — Wed, 26 Nov 2008 12:59:32 +0000

Modern nude photography sucks. Why? Simply put, it’s the asshole. What’s with all the asshole close-ups? Seriously, once you see a girl’s asshole, the mystery’s gone.

What’s Happening?

link — Sun, 23 Nov 2008 16:57:58 +0000

Talk about a colossal fail. M. Night Shyamalan’s latest film, the Happening, recently made its way to DVD. And, for some stupid reason, we thought it might be enjoyable. I mean, the trailer was pretty cool, right? People killing themselves en masse, for no reason? Intriguing. Unfortunately, the movie fails to deliver on any level. Any level except the one where things suck so bad you want someone to stab you in the leg with a fork to distract you. And Mark Wahlberg, an actor who I usually enjoy (especially in the excellent Shooter), was so horrid I felt myself wishing that M. Night had cast someone like Carrot Top in the main role. Retarded he may be, but he would have done better than Wahlberg. Hands-down. Anyway. Avoid this fucking film like the plague. Unless you want a good laugh. Then you’d totally love it.

Win

link — Wed, 05 Nov 2008 12:07:37 +0000

VOTE!

link — Tue, 04 Nov 2008 03:41:32 +0000

Hey! You! Fucking vote already!

Pretty funny, for an Islamo-Terror-Socialist

link — Sat, 01 Nov 2008 16:54:26 +0000

You guys ever heard of this Barack Obama guy? I guess he’s trying out to be the lead singer of the Presidents of the United States of America*. Or something like that. Anyway, he was on The Daily Show the other day and he was pretty damn funny. Don’t get me wrong. He’s no Henny Youngman. But he doesn’t work blue, and I appreciate that. So watch this Hulu video and see what the hell I’m talking about.**

*Great. Now I have that song Peaches in my head.
**Yes, I know I have readers from outside the US and that Hulu only works in said country. Sorry, guys. Guess you picked the wrong country to be born in.

Shit you don’t know about me

link — Tue, 21 Oct 2008 23:18:12 +0000

There’s this girl, Heather, who I absolutely love. Even though she’s been known to wear cowboy hats and listen to country music.* She writes this blog, The Wishful Writer, which is 10 liters of Cola in a 1 liter cup. Enough with the background story. She challenged me to tell my readers seven things they didn’t know about me (which she did here). So, here goes.

1. Though you wouldn’t know by looking at me, I am over 13 feet tall. As you can imagine, being this tall would make it extremely difficult to walk through doors. Which is why I keep most of my height (6 feet or so) in an extra-dimensional pocket. This not only makes walking through doors easier, it keeps birds from roosting in my beard. Most birds, anyway.

2. I pee sitting down. I don’t know why, it just makes more sense to me to do it that way. Unfortunately, I usually do so when I’m sitting on the couch.

3. I am physically unable to lie. I tried to lie once, and found my body overtaken by painful convulsions. Just thinking about lying makes me physically ill.

4. I first met my wife, Paloo, in a dumpster. I don’t know the odds of two babies being abandoned in the same dumpster at the same time, but they’ve got to be pretty damn high. After we became wards of the state, I didn’t see her again until many years later, when we bumped into each other at a NAMBLA rally. It was love at first sight.

5. I can telepathically communicate with cats. For those of you who can’t do so, don’t be jealous. I’ve never heard one of them say a damn thing worth listening to.

6. I once ate 3 pounds of cheese in one sitting. It was a delightful Camonbert. While it was one of the greatest meals I ever had, I can’t help but think of all the people at that French restaurant that I killed to get it.

7. I have never met a Shriner I didn’t like.

*Both of which I usually consider unforgivable character flaws.

Uh, I was trying to clean some lint off my dick?

link — Mon, 20 Oct 2008 02:38:37 +0000

I can’t imagine what excuse you’d give for being found with your dick in a vacuum at a car-wash. Other than the obvious “just getting my dick sucked” that is. Either way, not a crime you want plastered all over the internet.