Hey! You! Fucking vote already!

You guys ever heard of this Barack Obama guy? I guess he’s trying out to be the lead singer of the Presidents of the United States of America*. Or something like that. Anyway, he was on The Daily Show the other day and he was pretty damn funny. Don’t get me wrong. He’s no Henny Youngman. But he doesn’t work blue, and I appreciate that. So watch this Hulu video and see what the hell I’m talking about.**

*Great. Now I have that song Peaches in my head.
**Yes, I know I have readers from outside the US and that Hulu only works in said country. Sorry, guys. Guess you picked the wrong country to be born in.

There’s this girl, Heather, who I absolutely love. Even though she’s been known to wear cowboy hats and listen to country music.* She writes this blog, The Wishful Writer, which is 10 liters of Cola in a 1 liter cup. Enough with the background story. She challenged me to tell my readers seven things they didn’t know about me (which she did here). So, here goes.

1. Though you wouldn’t know by looking at me, I am over 13 feet tall. As you can imagine, being this tall would make it extremely difficult to walk through doors. Which is why I keep most of my height (6 feet or so) in an extra-dimensional pocket. This not only makes walking through doors easier, it keeps birds from roosting in my beard. Most birds, anyway.

2. I pee sitting down. I don’t know why, it just makes more sense to me to do it that way. Unfortunately, I usually do so when I’m sitting on the couch.

3. I am physically unable to lie. I tried to lie once, and found my body overtaken by painful convulsions. Just thinking about lying makes me physically ill.

4. I first met my wife, Paloo, in a dumpster. I don’t know the odds of two babies being abandoned in the same dumpster at the same time, but they’ve got to be pretty damn high. After we became wards of the state, I didn’t see her again until many years later, when we bumped into each other at a NAMBLA rally. It was love at first sight.

5. I can telepathically communicate with cats. For those of you who can’t do so, don’t be jealous. I’ve never heard one of them say a damn thing worth listening to.

6. I once ate 3 pounds of cheese in one sitting. It was a delightful Camonbert. While it was one of the greatest meals I ever had, I can’t help but think of all the people at that French restaurant that I killed to get it.

7. I have never met a Shriner I didn’t like.

*Both of which I usually consider unforgivable character flaws.

I can’t imagine what excuse you’d give for being found with your dick in a vacuum at a car-wash. Other than the obvious “just getting my dick sucked” that is. Either way, not a crime you want plastered all over the internet.

You all know (or at least you should know) that I loves me some zombies. So, of course, I love this comic. If you enjoy it, do yourself a favor and check out Sean Bieri’s gallery over at Tor’s website.

A woman was arrested after chasing children, urinating on a porch and blocking traffic…all while wearing a cow suit. Sounds like Christmas at my Aunt Dora’s house..

Your name could be Dick Pole.

Cgunit is one of my favorite sites, and it’s high time I shared it with you. Daily, Cgunit presents high-quality artwork by gifted artists from across the world. They highlight a different artist every day and never seem to run out of material.

Please note, not all images are safe for work. I’m not talking Sheep Fellatio, just some mild nudity.

I created the header above using images by the following artists I discovered on Cgunit: Sylvia Ji, Phil Noto, Milk, The Iris On, Evolve-R, Marguerite Sauvage and Ryoiwai Gozaru.

I’m trying to figure out where the hell I am right now. I thought it was America, but over the last week, I’d swear I somehow ended up in Germany in 1932. It surely couldn’t be America that was having political events composed of angry mobs. Mobs who call their opponents terrorists, traitors and commie faggots. Mobs who are one or two steps away from being pushed to commit violence. It can’t be America. America is not a place where
things as horrible as this are not condemned immediately. It is not a place where presidential and vice-presidential candidates incite hate and racism.

But it is. It is America. But it feels like America has been split into two conflicting groups; White, Fundamentalist Christian Conservatives and everyone else. To the first group, anything different is frightening. Different beliefs, different religions, different lifestyles, different races, anything that doesn’t fit in their world view. They’re willing to interpret scripture specific ways in order to forward their beliefs, focusing on certain parts and totally ignoring the rest. They crave leadership and guidance and flock to leaders who are “just like them.”

I am seriously beginning to fear for the future of this country and the fate of the “everyone elses.”

Thanks to Keith and Oenodog for some of the links.